LMNOP

Royal Tennenbaum Finger Puppets, $39
This shop also features a Barack puppet and an Ira Glass one.  Yes, you can now have your own little felt Ira Glass.

Knitted Power Cord, $25
A scarf/belt/whatever for nerds/electricians/whatever.

Elliot Bird Necklace, $65
Not as eccentric as a live parrot on your shoulder, but also will never poop on your head.

Milk and Bread Necklace, $40
Maybe next this seller can make solid gold twist ties.

Harper Coin Purse-Made of Salvaged Banner, $8
Just bought one of these for myself.

Beep Boop Oop Card, $2.25
When you care enough to send your very robot-est.

I totally sweat the Olympics.  I love patriotism and human triumph; most of all, I love being reminded that despite what the Ocean City boardwalk will have me believe, there are still people in the world who have the right bodies for wearing Spandex. 

Now, with the Beijing games only a few short weeks away, my biennial case of Olympic Fever is flaring up again.  To get you as revved up as I am, I present my official list of . . .

The Top Five Reasons To Be Pumped for the Olympics

Reason # 5: Potentially ridiculous outfits at the opening ceremonies

Ralph Lauren is the official outfitter for Team USA this year, and although the outfits for the opening ceremony will not be revealed in advance, I have reason to believe that they will be ridiculous.  That's because they have released a picture of the uniform they created to be worn around the Olympic village, and it looks like this:

Totally geeky.  I do not envy the person whose job it is to persuade Carmelo Anthony to put that combo on.

Reason #4: Tuvalu

Tuvalu, "a Polynesian state composed of nine coral atolls," is set to make its debut at the games this year.  I have no idea what sports they will be competing in, which is reasonable because until two minutes ago I had no idea Tuvalu even existed, but you can bet I will be tracking this exciting young upstart of a nation. 

Reason #3: HDTV

This year's games will be broadcast in HD, meaning we get to see every sweat bead and muscle ripple in complete high-res glory.

Actually, that could be gross.  I'm looking at you, Greco-Roman wrestlers.

Reason #2: Futuristic Controversies

Performance-enhancing drugs are so passe.  All the cool sports have moved on to debating newer, more futuristic technologies.  Most recently, the Speedo LZR swimsuit--a technological marvel with welded seams and a core-stabilizing corset--has generated controversy as to whether or not it gives wearers an unfair advantage.  This article explains:

The running community also had a cow over whether or not Oscar Pistorious, a double amputee who runs with the aid of carbon-fiber prostheses, should be allowed to compete in Beijing--or if his fake legs were actually better than the real thing.

Reason #1: FUWA!

Meet the Fuwa, this year's crew of Olympic mascots.  They're like a cross between Power Rangers and Pokemon, and they stand to make this the Cutest Olympics Ever.  I highly recommend this writeup on the crazy amounts of symbolism in everything from their names to their headpieces.

I think my favorite is YingYing.

No matter where you live, you've probably seen a license plate like the above, designating an otherwise normal-looking car as belonging to a police officer, veteran, diplomat, or some other such thing.  They are called organizational plates, and I for one see them all the time; rarely, though, do they excite me much.  However, I was driving to work the other day and I saw an organizational plate that truly impressed me.  It looked like this:

Now that is the kind of affiliation you want to brag about, vehicular-ly speaking.

I tailed the Barbershop Quartet Singer for a while, wanting to see if he looked like I pictured (handlebar mustache, vertical-striped shirt, suspenders, possibly in black and white), or if he was in fact en route to a barber shop.  The bad news was that he looked pretty normal and was just getting on the Beltway; the good news was that I was also getting on the Beltway, so following him didn't get me lost or make me late for work.

Anyway, when I got home that night I looked online for more information about the Barbershop Quartet plates and was sidetracked by the very interesting website of Andrew Pang, a Virginian who collects DC/MD/VA license plates.  I browsed his awesome lists of Maryland organizational plates and have come up with the following list:

The Top Five Maryland License Plates I Would Most Like to Have

5. Maryland Science Center plate

License plate with a dinosaur on it?  Want.

4. Optimist Club plate

It surprises me that they did not get a little more creative and throw a smiley face or something on this plate, but its bland institutional-ness kind of appeals to me.  It says, "Just because I'm in the Optimist Club doesn't mean I'm a cheese ball."  Totally true.

3. Square Dancing plate

 I keep trying to think of how to properly caption this or comment on it, but all I can think when I look at it is HELL YEAH.

2. Professional Disc Golf Association plate

Um, what don't I love about this plate?  It is the coolest thing ever. 

1. Ancient Order of Hibernians

 Apparently this is some sort of Irish fraternal organization, but it sounds cooler without the explanation.  I want to get this plate and make people think that I am part of some special tribe of humans who branched off from the evolutionary path and took up hibernation.  I could probably use it to get out of working during the winter.

Honorable Mentions:

American Massage Therapy Association

Um, sucio.  I get the feeling the person who owns this car works for one of those kind of massage places. 

La Leche League

Honk if you love breast milk.

Mayflower Descendants:

Poe's Crows Club

I'm not even going to Google what this is, because I don't want to be disappointed.  I'm just going to assume it involves re-enactments of Edgar Allen Poe stories.
 

• Having sore arms from playing Wii baseball
• Realizing I still remember the names of all three Hanson brothers
• Uttering the following: "America's Next Top Model is a clip show tonight?  Damn!  My Wednesday is ruined!"
• Staying late at work to create three extra, non-required indexes for a document because secretly, I think making indexes is fun
• (While writing the above) Wondering at length whether it is cooler to say "indices" or "indexes"
• Using the phrase "it keeps me young"
• Liking a Miley Cyrus song

You know you do this too: you're going about your business, but then all of a sudden you stop and realize what you're doing (crying during Extreme Home Makeover, eating dinosaur chicken nuggets at the age of 25, explaining the concept of the Jonas Brothers to someone, should I go on?) is TOTALLY LAME.  And it like, snaps your life into perspective in a somewhat disarming way and makes you all, "Is this what I have become?  Am I really the kind of person who hems her pants with a stapler?"

Yes.  Yes, you are.  Sorry.

Usually, when someone calls me and asks what I am up to, I say, "Nothing."  However, thanks to the Wii (Super Mario Galaxy, specifically), the following are answers I have been able to give to that question over the past couple of weeks.

• "Trying to kill this baby dinosaur."
• "TOTALLY SUCKING AT SURFING ON THIS STINGRAY'S BACK."
• "Being depressed, because I keep falling into the toxic swamp."
• "Diving for golden seashells."

It really tends to start the conversation off on a good foot.

Inspired by the following picture (source):

• Too often, weddings just don't focus on the bride enough
• You want to know right off the bat if your new husband tolerates The Crazies
• It's not at all weird to cut your own likeness with a knife . . . and then eat it
• Because it's classier than making a funeral cake look like you
• Because maybe that ugly paisley pattern on the front of your dress will look better when rendered in frosting
• So you can freeze the head and eat it on your one-year anniversary
• Because you're the f*cking bride, dammit

My favorite part about this picture is how the bride and her cake take up almost all of the picture, and then you can just barely see poor hubby's head sticking out from behind.  That seems to say it all, for me.

Potential Song Titles for Fight Club, the Musical:

Look at me, I'm Tyler D
There's No Business Like Soap Business
La Vie Mayhem
I Want You (to Hit Me as Hard as You Can)
Robert Paulson!
We're Off to the IKEA
When You're Good to Marla
We Go Together (Reprise) performed by Tyler and Narrator

What I'm about to say is probably the most shocking thing a blogger ever could, and no, it's not that I'm quitting, because please--that would not be a shocking thing for a blogger to say.  Bloggers quit all the time.  Actually, what I want to say is this:

I am sooooo sick of talking about myself today.

I know, I know: gasps all around, Earth screeches to a halt, etc.  But people, I have been writing my annual self-assessment for work all day today, and it has been no picnic.  It turns out that even I have my limits when it comes to writing endless paragraphs about myself.  Weird.

On top of all of that, I'm not so keen about the concept of the self-assessment in general.  Shouldn't it go without saying that I think I'm great at my job?  Aren't I pretty much the least objective person in the entire world when it comes to judging the performance of . . . me?  Why are my standards so important?  Maybe I consider it a productive day if I manage to do a near-professional hemming job on my pants with only a stapler and some Wite-Out tape. 

These are all things I thought today as I stared at my computer screen and attempted to brag about myself without sounding completely ridiculous.

So, what did I end up saying?  The usual: I'm awesome, people love me, I invented sunshine, and I currently have six major motion picture studios interested in producing a biopic about my life starring Hillary Swank as the desktop publisher with a heart of gold.

And a pant leg ful of staples.

Lazy September is officially O-U-T, and Industrious October has begun!  If you don't believe me, check out the new Halloweeny-themey site banner in all its orange-and-black, ready-on-the-first-day-of-the-month goodness.  (If you don't see it yet, refresh the page a few times.  I swear it's there.)

In other news, today's Bathtub post was about famous non-drinkers and whether or not they would have been better off if they'd had a little alcohol every now and then.  In order to write it I relied heavily on Wikipedia's List of Teetotalers, which might not be too terribly reliable, because pretty much every other entry on the list has been tagged with "citation needed."  Whatever--it's still a highly interesting read.  Here are a few people other than the ones I mentioned in my post that I was surprised to see on the list:

• Kim Cattrall, who helped make Cosmopolitans famous
• Kristin Davis--who knew the Sex and the City cast was half dry?
• Dane Cook
• Sarah Silverman
• Shania Twain, which is ironic because everyone else in the world has sung at least one of her songs while drunk
• Weird Al Yankovic

OK, that's enough sobriety for one day.  Maybe tomorrow I'll tackle the List of Iconic Drinkers.

1. You only make the mistake of wearing a red shirt to Target once, because after that one trip is ruined by fellow shoppers constantly mistaking you for an employee, you will never forget again.

2. Target can fill a prescription in 20 minutes.  20 minutes is not long enough for you to be able to go home, but it's also too long for you to be able to just stand at the counter.  So what is 20 minutes?  It is the exact amount of time it takes you to find $80 worth of crap you want to buy.

3. Actually, no matter what you go into Target looking for, you always end up spending $80.  Whether you're getting a pretty good deal on a patio set or you just went in for shampoo and then spontaneously end up buying three body pillows, a photo album and a rocking chair, it always evens out to $80.

4. You can go into Target on a Monday and buy a crap load of stuff--everything you thought you needed--but if you go back again on Tuesday you will still somehow be able to find at LEAST as much stuff that you need.