LMNOP

Alanis Morrissette is pregnant, and US Weekly wants to make sure you find out via the cheesiest sentence ever written:

That's right!  You oughta know!  Get it?  Get it?  Because this is totally what happens when you stop taking your jagged little pill, amirite?  Yessss!  High fives all around!

(Also, re: her husband, is anyone having huge JVDBR* issues right now?  Just checking.)

*James Van Der Beek Resemblance

Because I was at sea all last week, I am finding it impossible to get caught up on all the pop culture news I missed.  By my estimates, it would take me about 14 hours of research to obtain, at a satisfactory level of detail, the important information I missed while away.  And people, even I do not have 14 hours of free time in my day.

I decided the best thing to do would be to flip through a week's worth of "Star Tracks" photo galleries on People.com, but without actually stopping to read the captions.  Instead, I have pulled a handful of the photos and captioned them myself, giving my best guess as to what is going on in each photo.  Here's what I appear to have missed.

First up in celebrity news: Katie Holmes aged 10 years for every day I was away.

Meanwhile, after curing cancer, Kim Kardashian took a celebratory trip down a waterslide before returning to her laboratory to solve global hunger.

Elsewhere in Hollywood, Evan Rachel Wood began filming a Ms. Frizzle biopic.

Later, Kate Hudson morphed into Jennifer Lopez and then immediately started trying to punch her way out.

All the while, the Real Housewives of New Jersey continued to exist, thus allowing the sun to keep shining and the world to keep spinning.  (Thank you, ladies.  That shining sun really made the Bahamas excellent for me.)

In other news, something apparently happened to make it OK to wear his-and-hers Ugg boots.

And Mariah Carey continued to be a completely normal human.

Finally, Beyonce misread an invitation to perform at the Sydney Opera House and instead thought she was supposed to perform in a dress that resembled the Sydney Opera House.

I don't know about you, but I feel pretty caught up.  If you can think of anything I missed, please leave me the scoop via comment.

Soooo apparently People has an online-only pet version, People Pets, and after scanning it for an afternoon I have come to the conclusion that it is the Internet's leading source for pictures of sad dogs.  Consider the following photos:

Exhibit A: Mickey Rourke's Sad Chihuahua

This emo chihuahua has more pain and sadness in its eyes than I ever would have thought possible for a 5-lb. almost-rodent.  I guess I could start imagining reasons a dog owned by Mickey Rourke would be sad, but let's save some time and assume that there are many.

Exhibit B: Mickey Rourke's Other Sad Chihuahua

Yeah.  There is an entire People Pets feature on Mickey Rourke's army of little dogs.  And almost all of them look miserable.

Exhibit C: This Completely-Ashamed Poodle

Yes, that is a poodle that has been dyed and groomed to look like a camel.  And yes, he is standing in front of his owner, who is wearing a style of outfit commonly favored by eccentric high school French teachers.  No, I do not have any idea what he could possibly be embarrassed by.

This poor poodle is part of a feature story on "Extreme Grooming," in which dogs are groomed to look like roosters, fish, buffaloes, and even peacocks.  Sad dog faces all around in that photo gallery.

Exhibit D: Mariah Carey's Puppy

Whenever I see pictures of Mariah Carey and her Jack Russell, she is a.) holding him in her arms, and b.) wearing completely insane boots of some kind or another.  However sorry I feel about the fact that he never gets to walk anywhere, I am even more sympathetic about the boots.  If this puppy is anything like Pancake, I suspect that big crazy boots are a huge temptation for him to look at--like big, moving stuffie toys with fringe--and I seriously doubt Mariah lets him loose on those things.  (On a related note, you should see Pancake go to town on an Ugg boot.  It is a crazy sight.  He thinks he is attacking an animal.)

Exhibit E: Yet Another Sad Chihuahua Belonging to Mickey Rourke

Actually, this might be one of the same chihuahuas as above.  But regardless, it looks like it is about to step out into oncoming traffic.

Yep, Jodie Sweetin is pregnant and TMZ has the sonogram pic to prove it:

It's hard being D-list!  All the A-list starlets can get by just showing their boring external private regions to the cameras, but when you're not as famous you have to up the ante sometimes to get attention.  Like, by showing them the actual inside of your body.  And by selling that first exploitative photo of your child when he/she's at the ripe age of, oh, negative six months old.

People.com's top headlines:

Yep, that's your news for today.  Paris and Nicole are friends!  LC and Heidi are not!  And that's not all--People.com also has the scoop on prosthetic bellies and YouTube clips you saw three weeks ago!

Please, someone OD or something--I'm dying of boredom here.

I enjoy clicking through People.com's Star Tracks photo gallery each day to see what the stars are up to, but today was a little much.  First there was this picture of Victoria Beckham, which will haunt me in my dreams forever--

--and now it will haunt you, too!  People's caption read, "Beckham steals the title of Sporty Spice as she throws the first pitch."  Well, despite the Dodgers jacket, I think Sporty's title is safe.  Scary might want to watch her back, though.

A few clicks later I was treated to this lovely photo of Rosie O'Donnell looking like the photo negative of Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit:

Thank you, People.com, for helping my book my next 18,000 nightmares.

Story that People led with on their website today:

Forget vegetarianism, Ruben--why did you become fuchsia?

(Source: Us Weekly blog)