LMNOP

This is a double-sad day for you if you don't watch Jersey Shore, because a) it's a great show, and b) you totally won't get the proper amount of enjoyment out of the above clip.  But watch it anyway, because kids in tan-face and wigs are pretty funny whether you have the full context or not. (Link)

Come on, lady.  Everyone knows "self potato" is an activity, not a thing!

I make no secret of the fact that I will watch whatever ridiculous reality show Bravo wants me to watch, and this does not exclude Million Dollar Listing.  For the uninitiated, Million Dollar Listing is about three guys who sell really expensive home in L.A. by using a proven formula of Being Total Morons.  My favorite of the three guys is Chad, and it is easy to see why:
He looks exactly like Ramona Quimby. 

Seriously.

In last night's episode, we got to see Chad go to a salon and get a $600 'touch up' of his signature 'do (believe it or not, this process did not involve him walking into Beverly Cleary's house and asking for "the usual").  Chad also mentioned that he gets these touch ups every two weeks, which means his monthly hair budget is $1200.

Yes. You heard me.

Meaning I spend less on rent than this guy spends on looking like a d-bag/1980s children's book character.  Thank you, Bravo, for bringing this to my attention.

In case the title didn't tip you off, let me repeat: THIS POST CONTAINS MAD MEN SPOILERS.  If you read it and then cry bitter, 1963-flavored tears because I ruined your Tivo lineup for the night, don't blame me, because I warned you.

So, the Mad Men finale last night was pretty sweet.  A lot of shit went down at once, so mostly all I was able to do was say "Oh, SNAP" every four minutes and try to keep up with the plot line.  Now that it's been almost 24 hours, I've had a little more time to process everything.  Mostly, I've been trying to wrap my head around the thrilling new corporate entity that is Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, so-named because "All the Good People Except Ken Cosgrove and the Kinda Communist Guy Ad Agency" is too long to fit on a door.

In order to help me understand things, I put together an org chart reflecting my understanding of the new agency's structure.  In order to be Mad Men-er, I did it by hand.

As you can see, the rather top-heavy org structure consists of five partners (if you count Pete), plus three poached underlings and Pete's crazy wife, who technically doesn't work there, but will undoubtedly be around to serve food and wear bizarre hats, so I'm keeping her in there.  After all, what's an org chart without a sandwich-maker/dipshit?

You know what your life has been missing?

 

THE COMPLETE SERIES OF FULL HOUSE.  On DVD.  32 discs.  192 episodes. 

IT COMES IN A BOX THAT LOOKS LIKE THEIR HOUSE.

And it is on sale at Amazon.com for a mere $78.99.  That's a huge savings off the regular price of $169.98, which is already a STEAL anyway, if you ask me.  (I routinely spend more than that trying to have my hair guy recreate Uncle Jesse's style for me.)

If you aren't convinced, take some time to read the overwhelmingly popular Amazon.com customer reviews of the DVD set.  Reviewer Clavinbot writes, "This is a great box set for those who haven't been getting the sets individually."  TRUE STORY.  And, as someone named Turtlebutt points out, "It is very family friendly."  People named Turtlebutt know these things!!!

I am just going to stop writing now, because by this sentence you have all clicked on over to Amazon to buy this beauty and are clearly no longer reading this post anyway.

Fall is a marvelous time of year when, after a long summer of boredom, tears, and ABC's Wipeout, TV finally gets good again.  Case in point: Top Chef, Bravo's reality TV cooking competition, hosted by possible zombie Padma Lakshmi and featuring Head Judge Tom "Just Like the Dad Who Never Approved of You" Colicchio.

There is a common misconception that people who aren't good cooks themselves won't like a show about cooking.  That is stupid.  Approximately four billion people read and enjoyed Harry Potter even though they weren't wizards, so I don't see why we can't all watch a cooking show.  So here are this season's chef-testants (except the girl who made something involving peppers and Satan and was immediately thrown off), ranked in order of how much I like them.

Mattin is my favorite so far, because he so adorable he is practically a Disney character of himself.  I imagine that his daily To Do list looks something like this:

1. Wake up
2. Put on red necktie
3. Be delightful/French

Seriously.  Look at him:

That is a pose he routinely strikes.  Like, there have been two episodes, and there are already two instances in which he has done it:

Mattin!  French Disney Boy Champion of the World!

Based on his awesomeness, I have decided to hire Mattin as my personal employee.  I will not be employing him as a chef, though; rather, his job will just be to shadow me throughout my day and repeat everything I say in a French accent.

Although I have ranked Kevin quite high here, I don't actually have much to say about him.  After all, it's still pretty early in the season, and most of the chefs have only had about two minutes of screen time each.  However, Kevin seems pretty solid.  He won the first challenge, which is impressive because it involves beating the most people.  I think he is one to watch.

I probably shouldn't be ranking Jesse this high, because she has been kind of erratic and weird on the show thus far.  However, she is from Maryland, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.  Also, I love that her profile on bravotv.com says, "Bacon, butter, duck fat, cumin and trash bags are the five items she keeps on hand at all times."  Ahhhh yes, all the essential ingredients for my favorite dish: "Big Trash Bag of Fatty Things, with a Dash of Cumin."  A Maryland classic!

Also, this is one of Jesse's tattoos:

Preeti

Pretti earns points for having a fauxhawk, a.k.a. the official hairstyle of Top Chef.  She is also the head chef for Google, which is cool, except, you know what?  I am getting sick of hearing about how sweet it is to work for Google, and how they have swimming pools for everyone, and it's sooooo great, and and there are free-range unicorns walking around the complex for you to ride from building to building and blah blah blah.  Now they have a Top Chef contestant working for them?  Fine, Google.  Keep having all the fun.

Bryan

Bryan is the other Marylander on the show.  He owns Volt in Frederick, which I just Googled, because hey, I research these posts.  So this is the first picture you see when you go to voltrestaurant.com:

Followed by this:

 

Lesson: Bryan likes being alone.

Bryan is brothers with Michael (next on my list), and so far the sibling rivalry between them has not seemed as intense as some of the Bravo promos would have us believe.  However, I would wager that things will heat up eventually, because the brothers Voltaggio seem pretty on top of their game.  Which brings me to . . .

Michael

Contrary to what this picture may have you believe, Michael is not, in fact, a member of a 1990s boy band.  However, he is clearly supposed to be the edgier of the two brothers, as evidenced by his knife-and-fork tattoo and the fact that he is wearing enough bronzer to make Lindsay Lohan look albino in comparison.

Ron

Ron here is kind of a wild card.  In the first episode, when the challenge was to make a dish inspired by one of your vices, Ron claimed that his vice was that he had to travel a very long time from Haiti to the U.S., to which the judges pretty much responded, "Yeah, that's not really a vice, but this is pretty bangin' shrimp."

Hector

I haven't really noticed Hector too much, but he seems kind of funny.  His bio mysteriously says he is "currently working on a project on hot peppers."  That sounds vaguely awesome.

Ashley

 

You are just going to have to believe me when I say there is more to Ashley than her bizarre resemblance to Jimmy Neutron.

Ash

Ash has made about zero impression on me so far, so I am using him as a buffer between the people I like so far and the people I don't like so far.  It is an important job, Ash.  I am glad you wore a bowtie for it.

Robin

Now we are getting into "people I don't like so far" territory.  Robin seems like she could get annoying.  She is a "self-taught" chef, which in Top Chef world usually translates to "extraordinarily defensive and paranoid chef with a chip on his/her shoulder."  At any rate, I don't think she'll be around for very long, so I'm not getting too worked up about it.

Laurine and Eve

 

I spent the entire first two episodes of the season being unable to differentiate between these two women; finally, when I was beginning to get good at telling them apart (Eve's ridiculous baby voice helped); one of them got eliminated. Eve, I think.  Maybe it was Laurine.  (Incidentally, "Laurine" is how our landlord pronounces my name.)  Anyway.  These two suck.

Eli

This guy seems preeettty annoying.  According to his Bravo.com bio, Eli is "a self-proclaimed Gastronome."  Yeah, well since we're making proclamations, I'm going to point out that he is also a Lauren-proclaimed dumbass.

Michael

This guy seems like a real douchebag.

Jennifer

Bleh.  You already know Jennifer is going to go far this season, because the her appearances in the first two episodes have clearly been edited to position her as the Annoying Character Everyone Loves to Hate Who Goes on to Come in Second-ish.  (See also: Stefan.)  It appears we will have to deal with her annoying accent and horrible personality for many episodes to come.  That's unfortunate, because she is totally the person you knew in elementary school who liked to be all Type A and competitive and suck up to the teachers and pretend to be nice, but then give you backhanded compliments about your stegosaurus diorama and kick you at recess when nobody was looking.

If you have been watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey, you have probably already noticed the breakout star that is Dina's hairless cat, who has a tendency to creep into scenes at the best moments.  I live for this cat's cameos, so I have decided to write her a fan letter to express my admiration.

Dear Dina's Hairless Cat,

I am sure you get a lot of fan mail, so I will try to keep this short.  Basically, I just wanted to say that you are, by far, my favorite on The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  You have the uncanny ability to walk into any scene and completely steal the show, just by looking like an old man's head.  I don't think I need to tell you that in a place like New Jersey, it is truly rare to find such talent.

I admire you, darling hairless cat, for many reasons.  First and foremost, you seem to be the only living creature on the entire show that has not had Botox.  Seriously.  I think even Theresa's three-year-old daughter has had Botox.  And yet you rock the wrinkles, never seeming to worry, as others do, that your wrinkled skin will harm your ability to attract rich Jersey man-meat.  I admire that independence, and your controversial view that one does not need to be financially supported by an Italian man in a skin-tight shirt in order to be happy.

I love the shameless way you creep up on people and rub against them, demanding their love and affection in spite of your bizarre appearance.I know that if I looked like a pancreas, I would probably feel uncomfortable asking to be fawned over--but you, my dear, are as secure as you are shriveled.  We could all learn from your confidence.

This Tuesday is the season finale of RHoNJ, sweet cat, and I already know that you will be the hardest one to say goodbye to.  Let me start now.  Farewell, you wrinkly rock star!  I wish you a long, wonderful life full of only the greatest hairless pleasures.  I hope the days ahead bring you happiness, contentment, and many hours spent in your favorite place--nuzzling Dina's $20,000 bubbies.

Sincerely, your biggest fan,

Lauren

Rumor has it that not one, but two reality shows are planning upcoming seasons in the DC area: MTV's The Real World and Bravo's The Real Housewives.  The fact that the reality show rainbow has finally parked its pot of gold in my neck of the woods is extremely exciting for a reality-show junkie like myself, but it's also mildly distressing.  I'm sure that with shows like this filming in my backyard (OK, not literally in my backyard, obviously--the production people would get hit by trains), I'll be dying to be a part of history myself.  Unfortunately, actually taking part in either show is out, because a.) I am too old to audition for The Real World, and too young/poor/unmarried to be a Real Housewife; and b.) I have that one remaining shred of dignity--I call her Edna--that prohibits me from considering such  behavior anyway.

Fortunately, thanks to a tweet from Michelle last night, I have come up with a new life goal that will satisfy my desire to be in the middle of reality show history without losing Edna.  If they really do tape a season of The Real World in DC, I will have no choice but to launch an epic quest to be one of those pixelated faces in a bar in the background of an episode.*  It may involve being an extreme bar rat for several months, but I think we can all agree that it will be soooooo worth it when I show up on TV screens everywhere looking like this:
 
After all, I didn't make it downtown for the inauguration--I have to be part of something special in DC.

*Admittedly, it would be wayway cooler to somehow get into the background of an ep of The Real Housewives of DC.  But I'm not sure how I would pull that one off.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are just minutes away from the Championship round of the National Spelling Bee (or as I call it, "My Superbowl").  The contestants' profiles are here, so pick your faves, turn your TVs to ABC, and get ready for some awesome television.

Last night's Real Housewives of New York finale did not disappoint.  Probably my favorite moment was the clip below.  Did anyone else catch Ramona's pronunciation of the word "kudos?"

Ka-dooze indeed, Ramona.